#but apparently I am feeling it today idk
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My mother, who is deeply Christian and(but) also supremely autistic, once accidentally pulled aggro on an entire church's worth of women because they were so aggressively demanding she condemn my newly pierced ears. Against God's design!!! they wailed. Then how come you all shave your legs?, my mother asked.
On the bright side, I had to suffer through significantly fewer church-based social invites after that.
The idea that bodymod of all kinds from piercings and tattoos to gender-affirming care and amputations "goes against God's design" is such a fragile fucking take imo.
Like. Fuck, Brendine, you don't cut the moldy bit off a block of cheese? You don't spit out the bones when you eat fish? Do you never bake bread or cook food or chop off your hair? You just crawl around in a fig leaf bikini eating pine cones off the ground and shit in a hole?
Eve ate the apple already hon we ain't gonna undo that shit dressing like we're Children of the Corn
#religion#sorry teaboot I would usually keep this in the tags#but apparently I am feeling it today idk#ash's ramblings
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questioning sexuality is so exhausting
#(edit: sorry for the rant in the tags and i just. i want someone to talk to me)#i keep on doing it for no apparent reason#someone was talking about lust yesterday and i realised today that.#even tho id thought i don't experience it. i possibly do. but exclusively towards women.#i hate it here!#for a multitude of reasons i will never have a relationship with a woman but! i may be incapable of having a relationship with a man!#at some point in the last few months i have abruptly pivoted from definitely wanting marriage and kids to being ambivalent on marriage#and not wanting kids. that's such an outlier in my life that it might just be a mental health thing tho idk#but at the same time i. want to be loved.#i don't know what i want anymore and im tired of questioning myself#i definitely overthink it but idk how to stop it#and i hate hate hate how the moral obsessions have bee lately#this isn't entirely related but it kind of is#like Am i a terrible morally bankrupt person for having certain thoughts or is it just religious ocd go brrrr?? am i overthinking it?#i don't know. i don't know!#for a while labelling myself as arospec ace kinda calmed that down but. i don't know#i do't want to be attracted to women. i don't want to have to look away so often. i don't want any of that.#but i don't know how to stop it.#i don't even know if i'm attracted to men at all.#this is a cry for help and encouragement and prayers no matter what your views on these matters are#queer stuff tag#i nearly fessed up to my friend yesterday about same sex attraction and i might've except that it would have probably outed me as#the person who anonymously sent in a question several months ago about the side b movement to a church thing#ive only told one person at church about any of that sort of stuff and it was very vaguely worded#also see: this friend is the mother of the boy i?? i don't even know how i feel about him#i increasingly think it wasn't romantic at all. but i don't know#i would love any encouragement you got. anything at all.#i don't know how much this stuff is affected by the fact that i consider myself unloveable and think it highly unlikely any boy will ever#care for me#now im rambling. sorry
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I was in a major car accident yesterday (got t-boned) and was very luckily a) alone in the car, as the passenger side got walloped and b) not injured. However I took care of everything and then went home and proceeded to sleep for 19 out of the following 24 hours.
#I could feel all my muscles and all of them were in pain. every ounce of my energy was sapped#I needed to eat but the thought of eating made me want to puke#I had to be driven home and I was sat in the front seat like 😵💫🫥😱 why aren't you BRAKING you need to BRAKE every two seconds#After my 24 hour reset I am now up to eating a meal. I still hurt but only the top quarter of my body instead of all of it.#I can stand the thought of being driven now but idk how long it'll be before I'm OK with driving again 🙁#I have been thinking about it like. all the time which sucks. Unfortunately my tolerance for processing negative experiences is -1000#If something bad happens to me I want to just fix the situation and move on from it immediately#and that just doesn't happen in reality. But now I'm stuck sitting with this awful experience for who knows how long :(#I'm lucky our insurance is so good it'll cover everything (but deductible obvs) and I imagine the car is fixable#All in all I'm incredibly lucky and I know that and I'm so grateful to be healthy and home with my husband and cat#But also I've had my license for 8 years and never had an accident. I've been through so much this year. This car is 1.5 months old#It just feels so unnecessary and evil for this to happen now and I feel so guilty that apparently I'm at fault#and caused this huge financial and energetic drain for my lil family when we've already dealt with fuckin everything else the past 6 months#The ''why me why today why when I'm a responsible driver'' is real and my whole shit is rocked. I'm still shaken up#I've had a few times recently where shit felt... unreal? Like I should be able to reload my save because that couldn't have just happened#And this was so vividly that way#I'm strong but like. The Cursed™️ vibe is very present#May have to do a curse break and many protection spells soon#cause this is getting ridiculous#personal
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y'all ever wonder what it's like to be someone's favorite writer? like, the idea that there's anyone anywhere that really, truly looks forward to my writing is just...such a bizarre concept to me? like fr you like my writing? mine? why??? 😂
#it's probably good that no one has ever said this to me bc idk if i'd even believe it tbh lmao#my self-esteem THAT low apparently#fuck today started out just fine why am i feeling so low all of a sudden ugh#ignore me#to be deleted probably
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Idk if any other bisexual women experience this, but I feel like I'm always getting judged (implicitly or explicitly) for my taste in men? Almost like, "Well, I'll begrudgingly concede that you're actually attracted to women, but my acceptance of you is conditional on whether I approve of the men (fictional or real) you're interested in."
#like...idk if I'm seeing shit that isn't there#but I feel like I'm much more likely to get Exiled To The Cringe Dumpster by other sapphics for liking the ''wrong'' man than the ''wrong''#woman? I mean I get judged for being attracted to various women too. this is more like...in progressive spaces that have accepted my#attraction to women my place there seems extra-super-contingent on whether I'm like...attracted to a list of Approved™ men?#because if I fall outside those parameters in my attraction then I'm Basically Straight™ and Kowtowing To The Patriarchy™ or whatever#I guess more like...my attraction has to be 'subversive' enough. in the sense that it's so Weird™ or Inexplicable™ that it can't possibly#be confused with the attraction that straight women feel.#idk if this is making ANY sense but this sure is something I've been feeling a lot lately#(yes this IS brought on by an attraction to a specific man--an attraction mind you. that is completely innocuous and not in danger of#making anyone unsafe in the least. but it's sure still a feeling lmao.)#this is another reason why I'm -_- about dating there's too much complicated shit to parse out and I cannot prioritize that right now#I gotta unpack a WHOLE shit-ton of stuff before I get to that#okay for REAL I am going to go Be Creative for like 2 seconds before I fall deeply™ asleep but my brain has MANY THOUGHTS TODAY apparently
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so do you ever find yourself being so careful around someone to spare their feelings even tho it’s not your responsibility and also they’re a whole adult
#I mean…#some time ago when we had an office potluck some people weren’t on the email list and so didn’t know it was happening#but they were in office so we still invited them#I felt bad even tho I wasn’t in charge or anything lol#but the next day one guy was so pissed bc he thought we left him off on purpose#no we didn’t the list just needed updating#but he went on a whole tirade and it was a very uncomfortable lunch#since then I and multiple others have gone to his manager like ‘hey is guy okay’#and then today - another potluck and he was on the list but wasn’t there#I asked his manager. apparently he chose not to participate#but when I saw him today he looked pissed. sir. sir please#idk why I keep thinking of ways to include him more. he’s been here longer than me. also on the planet longer#probably 2-3 decades longer#why am I worried about his feelings. the vibes are off
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Recent things.. mostly just writing screenshots lol
#There's a water problem in the apartment so thats been taking most of my attention lol.. the way maintenance happens here is just#this big long vague wait with no clear communication. You just send in a request to the apartment building and then you might hear from the#any weekday from 8am - 4pm any time after that. Sometimes it's quick but sometimes its like days before you hear anything. So then#you just have to be operating under the assumption that at any time during working hours you might get a call or a knock at the door#Like if you were expecting company at any time for a week straight ghjhj.. ANYWAY.. I've been working on making a little discord#server thing for the game maybe for playtesters to communicate in initially i guess but then also after it's out or... something like that.#no idea how all of that works. but you hear about people doing it. or something... Still not entirely sold on the idea since I'm not really#a big user of discord format speaking (like little chats and stuff) but.. again idk.. seems like.. common.. for things...(< socially odd#hermit fumbling through trying to imitate what '''normal''' people do/enjoy/desire lol..). Since I think my biggest issue is I am very bad#at socializing and thus marketing since a lot of that is social. The type to just google ''what do people do about games once they've#made them'' and just go after whatever the top 10 things apparently are hjbjhbjh... But like I said. still unsure it will be utilized. it#all feels very awkward to me. then again most things do. But that's what the ''overall progress'' screenshot is from. the little channel#where I've been posting updates to myself lol. Also ''coding'' in that being used very lightly consdering it's ren'py and I'm only using#the very bare bones most basic functionality of it lol. Extremely intense highly daunting master level coding such as ''if x then y''. gbjh#slacked on writing a lot due to the evil maintenance and such things... and just general... appointments... events... aughhhhhh#I think it's Goose Time here or something because nearly every day I hear big V shaped rows of geese flying by like multiple#times a day and they're so pretty and neat to watch. They've really inspired me somehow. Today it was rainy and gray skied and high winds#and cold (some of my favorite most beautiful weather) and I went out to check the mail and like 6 or 7 rows of geese fluttered#by in the air. I felt like that meme image of that guy that looks kind of weird (william dafoe??) and its like black and white and#he's looking up at something almost teary eyed wide eyed in awe.. The goose... those are my goose.. the universe sent those gooses just#for me and the high speed winds blowing my coat open and chilling my face... a tender platonic kiss from the world is often delivered#by way of chilly weather and bird formations.. peace and love on planet earth truly..#OH and of course.. boy with boy!!!! shout out to those little mcdonalds toy animal plushies from like 2006 or something. I found the#gray cat one and was like.. hrmm.. I have one of those as well (a real life gray cat). surely they're friends now.
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Me, attending the latest in a ridiculous number of funerals this year in the place of a childhood friend who couldn't be there, watching the lifeless body of an old lady who used to make me snacks in the kitchen when I was a kid be carted away forever while my friend's mother cries and tells me she's grateful I could be there because it felt like having the support of her own daughter, hugging her and talking reassuringly and not processing a single one of these emotions: ... I am going to write soooo much fanfiction about this
#''this'' being collective grief. because tbvh it's the main reason I haven't written very much this year (but will slowly start to)#I write to remind myself I am lucky. I keep telling myself this but even now when I feel awful I am so lucky#I am lucky that none of these funerals have involved very close family members or friends of mine#and I am lucky to be living in conditions with the space to write and space to grieve#and space to come together to mourn with dignity while people not that far away from me are not receiving the same privilege rn#I am lucky my dad was with me today and I spent the evening chatting with him on the terrace I am lucky he is alive I am lucky I am lucky#(apologies if this sounds like a robot malfunctioning lmao writing is just how I process things)#(and apparently I just don't seem to feel like I have the right to feel bad about any of this anywhere except my st@r trek blog hehe)#anyway. To stay on theme I shall say something about Trills :D#I imagine loss and grief must register very differently to them. very Non Linearly in the literal sense but also a highly abstract one#even I feel this massive sense of time warp between all these funerals; and this chest-crushing distance between me and my friends#how do Trills even exist#how do they wake up every day remembering all those friends and children and parents who loved them and they loved and are gone now#and still function#how does Ezri feel walking around with memories of parents that aren't hers (but were soooo much better than hers) taking care of her#does she feel comforted by them? does it feel like the people in those memories were always comforting HER specifically?#does it even matter who it belonged to originally if a memory is HERS now?#does Ezri mourn for any parents of past hosts more than she knows she will mourn for her own mother one day?#does having all this lived experience bring her reassuring amounts of perspective for a 20-something or just overwhelm her all the more?#idk; but I hope she learns to take comfort in her past hosts' memories of family eventually...#(...again. I am going to write sooooo much fan fiction about this lmao)#cw death
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I really need to stop reading my therapist's session notes given the psychic whiplash I experience half the time I read them, especially since im like 99% sure I shouldn't be able to see them in the first place, but like.... im so curious. I want to knowwwww
#at this point idk how to tell my therapist I can see them without going mask off and exposing myself for reading them like a fucking novel#like as soon as they are posted I am THERE its like buddy. chill tf out. you were there in the session. you know what happened.#you dont need a fucking play by play. but apparently I do#it helps me process stuff seeing the little extra tidbits of shit that gets dropped but also sometimes feels like a smack in the face.#It's mostly been validating and feeds my curiosity and better sense of self understanding though#also tonight I was like homie. girlie. buddy. we had our session last week why you only getting to the notes today? you doing ok?#I also feel bad cause the therapy is like. workin but also making my symptoms worse cause im in a bad place cause I dont wanna process shit#and therapy maakes me process shit. so like. that makes my brain both worse and better woooooo#we out here#googoogajoob
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peak dash tonight but i gtg do like. something productive
#none of this info is important i'm just chatting w you guys. into the void#actually i haven't been updating you guys on rascal i am living with him now it's great#he's obsessed with drinking the turtle water though (not dribble my foster turtle my roommate has her own)#but he recognized me and likes me ummm better than anyone i try to introduce him to lol#which makes sense but still. :)#he's bigger now he's like a teenager or something and he's mellowed out a lot#but i definitely am still a bit scratched up bc he is NOT good at communicating his feelings!!#im getting better at it but he will pivot so hard and fast it's wild#anwyay he's sweet and he still likes sleeping on my neck#just about every day he'll see that i'm lying down and curl up on my sternum it's terribly cute#but he doesn't seem to find my lap or laptop nearly as interesting as before. maybe when it gets colder outside idk#things have been great and silly and scary only in brief and also jsut so much like guys imTIRED of [university name] giving me bullshit#why can't things go smoothly like ever why is every minor process breaking down at every stage#but whatever. anyway i've had my japanese i class twice and the first time was so so scary bc APPARENTLY im surrounded by ppl who've been#self-teaching for years (i was mistaken about this btw) and also speaking is scary ok. today was good bc i misunderstood smth and#kinda studied the entire unit in advance. so i was like GOOD and prepared y'know. easy and now i know my strategy going forward lol
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...
#i was looking through old photos today. they where from wjen i was like 1 and it made me so sad#bc my mum would have been like only a year or 2 older then i am now and she looked so young#and now she has an abdomen full of tumors and blistered hands and feet. theyre prob gonna hsve to remove her bladder#but shes still very pragmatic abt it. but she grew up in a house where no one really cared about her feelings so she made them small#and now her mother calls and doesn't ask how her grandkids are doing and doesn't ask how her daughter is doing. im cursed with terrible#grandparents on both sides but i resent my mothers mother worse. though my dad said i probably wouldnt have survived his upbringing#and hes right. my nana has like zero empathy and cant cook for shit. idk how my parents r so normal but the fact i had a good upbringing is#probably the only reason im still here. and thats the other thing that made me sad abt the old pics. just looking at this little baby with a#fucked up head and thinking: in 25 years that kid is gonna b so broken down their not gonns kno what to do or how to fix it. idk whats wrong#with me. ive always been some stage of miserable but i used to b able to get things done. and now i cant seem to force functionality#and it sucks. bc im home now and i still feel like im cringing around this open wound in my chest. but whatever#as of today ive started taking ab1lify. hopefully it helps in the long term but in the short term it triggers my 0cd. which is not fun#its so frustrating. whatever. i also found out my eyes used to not work together. not enough to have a lazy eye but it was hard for me to#read and apparently my eyes were tracking at like double the speed of a normal person. wtf is wrong with my brain? also also my mum was like#yea i never would have guessed bip0lar but we thought it was something. autism i could see 100% but yea didnt see that coming. ao i guess#i brehave like a bit of an oddball. ans my nana would bother my dad to try to make me participate in church and my dad was like no. she#clearly don't wanna b here lol. ay. they did the best they could which i appreciate#unrelated
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#Idk why I’m posting this picture but I feel so useless and am crying because of it and I wanted to do something and that is apparently#posting this picture so I don’t do anything self destructive but I don’t want to anymore and I’m so warm and I feel like shit and I don’t#want to anymore and yes my lack of sleep and movement today might add to that okay i have made a decision I will go outside now#op dasloddl
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So.
#so remember that school that I didn't go to bc in the end it would just be way too expensive to take on and I kinda spiraled and lost#all sense of self and I've kinda been drifting for the last year trying to figure out what to do with my life#well apparently my parents have been talking with the school behind my back and for the last few months they have been working out#payment deals and financial aid and today they got a call back with an offer that they like feel happy with and idk what to do#I wanted to go so so badly this time last year that it was literally soul crushing that I couldn't go#but I've also spent the last year convincing myself that this was actually a good thing and I've been looking into new schools#and I don't fucking know someone tell me what to do bc I have no idea what I'm feeling I'm kinda shutting down and I have to make#a decision by the first#sstfu.txt#how am I supposed to make such a huge life altering choice in two weeks I'm gonna throw up#my best friend is states away and my other best friend is in the city I just want someone here to hug me and tell me what to do
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just found out that my bf and i alr met before what i thought was our first interaction?? and he remembers it too but never thought to let me know in the almost 6 years we've been together?!?! apparently he also developed feelings months before he confessed but was in denial abt it...
#n he never thought to tell me this....#i always ask abt what was going thru his mind when we first met + when he started catching feelings#and he would always tell me 'idk'#we were reminiscing w one of our couple friends a while ago and i was so surprised when he started sharing abt it like !?!?!#hELLO????! since when was this information part of our storY?!!?!#he's normally rlly embarrassed talking abt how we got together and he said today he finally isn't#and it's apparently bc he feels really bad abt it and how he acted (context: drunk confession - we kissed)#smth abt how he feels kinda cowardly for needing alcohol to say how he feels#and he doesn't really remember much of what he said when it went down so when i shared what i remember#he was pleasantly surprised to find out that he did ask if he could kiss me first#and that's why he isn't that embarrassed abt it anymore... sdfassf bc he's relieved that he asked#and i am so !!! mY GAWSH !!! how much more precious can he be ... i am !!!#sigh#sorry am talking abt him again sfgvsdfjk#i just thought this was rlly sweet hsdfs#lovebug
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My ass was trying so hard not to jump up and down with glee playing yttd with my sister and getting to the shin reveal I was like MY GUY MY FUNNY LAD MY SILLY RABBIT
#the klock keeps ticking#yttd#its like i cant get ahead of myself when talking about him cuz theres still a lot not revealed by the end of ch2 but STILLLL#i was keeping my opinions on characters pretty neutral this whole playthrough though my bias towards gin and kai was very apparent lol#and i did start screaming in agony reliving my worst nightmare joe dying#i dont think my sister was nearly as torn up about it as i was though like god ill still never get over it#the first time i played i actually gross sobbed like maybe i was just sleep deprived but i was inconsolable literally never cried that hard#but yeah we did the second main game today and i was like#‘not trying to persuade your vote but heres one million reasons why we should let shin live ahaha’#i dont think she was very happy with her vote aldnks#but yeah i really am gonna be sooo annoying next time we play im literally gonna bring pages of shin analysis with me that i can gush about#it is an interesting thing this character cuz to me like everything about him is so clear like even from the beginning i just didnt buy#the idea that he was genuinely an asshole i knew there had to have been something more going on#and idk if ive made it clear guys…but hes exactly like me guys hes just like me fr#his story hits so hard it feels like my own self insert which is weird cuz obviously thats not true#but like i feel like its either you get it or you dont and if you dont understand exactly what this character feels cuz you feel it yourself#i feel like so much of him just wont make any sense to you#maybe im just being pretentious idk but like if you cant relate to his abuse and just#very blatant bpd then I feel like youll just judge him on how good or badof a person he is#like it just doesnt feel like itd hit in the same way like when i see this character talking about being hopeless and the way his trauma#makes him act irrationally like god it just clicks so hard it makes so much sense and i can physically feel it through the screen#I MAY BE FERAL ABOUT THIS CHARACTER TO AN ABSURD DEGREE SHHH#basically what im getting at is i feel if i dont over explain everything about this character to other people i fear they just Wont Get It#and that they will be judgmental which idk i guess makes me defensive#anyway yeah i just enjoy getting to re experience the spiral this guy has given me and i will be thinking about it a lot tonight
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well i think its finally time to open this box
#sorry gang apparently i am incapable of sticking to my word and am continuing to have a personality on main and subject you all#to all of my bullshit#i am doing my best but i am a weak bitch who does not know how to process feelings#so its a fucking miracle im opening this box tbh. ive wavered a lot around this one#this round of thinking is being brought on by the probable imminent break up between me + my gf 🙃👍#its been on the cards for a hot minute i mean. she hasnt sent me a message since the 8th of march until today and its like a.#we need to talk message so. like im not surprised. ans ive been thinking about it all a lot recently#i dont really want to realise im aro while im with someone so ive been avoiding it but like. ive been thinking. and ive been thinking if we#shouod break up too anyway because like. i get i am so hard to be around. but nothing. for a month. even a silly picture. it hurts dude#but i kinda didn't want to push because. i know i am. me. and a lot. and i know shes got stuff on her plate. but so do i#maybe we're both no good#to be around#nyxtalks#this is very not helpful in my whole. everyone i love leaves me eventually so i should isolate myself and push them all away thing i guess#but i dont think. i want to cling. i dont wanna be that pathetic.#she can do better than me (i cant do better than her)#i mean. idk ive been questioning if im aro anyway so. idk#i dont fucking know#honestly this is gonna be so cringe if this isnt what she wanted to talk about but like. what else could it possibly be i guess#dude i am so sorry if you read this this turned into relationship vent rather than my feelings around aromanticism#those are.complicated enough for their own post and i probably need to talk to some actual aromantic people about that
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